It was the summer of 2002, and I was probably on hour three of the tedious process of attempting to straighten my hair with all the heat my scalp could stand. This, of course, was in addition to the chemical hair relaxer occasionally applied to my tresses. While I wrestled with my hair, my roommate turned to me and said, "Maybe your hair doesn't want to be straight. Why don't you just wear it curly?"

Those words changed everything.

I was 21 at the time, and in my two decades of living no one had ever suggested that wearing my hair in its naturally curly state was OK. Many black girls grow up with everyone from the media to their mommas telling them that pretty hair is straight hair. So when an African American woman decides - as I did that summer - to forego straightening her hair with chemical relaxers, it can feel like a revolutionary act. Or even a spiritual experience.

"It's not just a hairstyle, it's a lifestyle," says Victor Simmons. Simmons and his brother, Jeffrey Simmons, started the Visions Natural Hair & Health Expo in Birmingham three years ago.

In my latest post for WBHM I discussed my decision to go natural 12 years ago and chatted with the creators of the Visions Natural Hair & Health Expo. Read the complete post and hear an excerpt my on-air segment here.

image via mauivents.com

I recognized the look in their faces. It was a look I’d seen in the mirror far too many times. It was the look of frustration and complete overwhelm. It was the look of feminist burnout.

The two young women standing before me were two students in the 10^th grade English class I taught that year. They were two students that – after the school day was done – I had long talks with about feminism, activism, and art.  

These two students of mine came to me on this particular afternoon filled with rage about rape culture and feeling helpless to do anything about it or anything else. They began to rattle off all the injustices we women still face and the sexist attitudes that they felt would prevent our society from ever achieving gender equality.

Then they took a breath and looked to me, the grownup in the room, for answers.

I had none.

I don’t know of any simple ways to end rape culture or change the sexist attitudes held by both men and women.

But I do know how to beat feminist burnout. I know how to be a happy feminist.

Beating feminist burnout is the topic of my first guest post for I Am That Girl, a feminist website, book, and movement for teen girls. 

You can read the complete post here. 

I am so excited, honored and proud to be part of the I Am That Girl family. 

Hey babes!

Last week I announced that I want to start a book club.

But this week I've been so stressed out I've been having facial muscle spasms, headaches, and dizzy spells. Thus this book club of mine needs to be as laid back as possible. So here's the deal: each month I'll read a book and post about it weekly. I would LOVE for you to read along with me and share your thoughts in the comments sections of the book posts or even write about it on your own blog and share the links to your posts.

For those of you in Birmingham, we'll get together at the end of the month to discuss the book IRL and nosh on snacks.

To kick things off I'm re-reading Sarah Bessey's Jesus Feminist in April.

Today happens to be Bessey's 35th birthday and to celebrate she's giving instead of receiving gifts: she's offering the Kindle and Nook editions of her book for only $1.99.

Get more details at SarahBessey.com.

If you plan to read Jesus Feminist with me next month, leave a comment to let me know.

Eunice Elliott

Last week I discussed having so many goals that I felt overwhelmed by them. I came to the conclusion that I needed to focus on my dreams one at a time by making one my top priority at least for 12 months. But then I had no idea which aspiration to concentrate on first.

Enter Eunice Elliott. This Birmingham-based motivational speaker helped me make my choice. Visit See Jane Write to find out how and what I decided.

Let's start a feminist book club!

Because I'm an English teacher I read constantly. Each time I teach a book, I reread it. That means every year I read The Scarlet Letter, The Awakening, Fahrenheit 451, The Turn of the Screw, Anthem, To Kill a Mockingbird, Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass and a number of other works of classic literature.

Unfortunately, this doesn't leave much time for the contemporary fiction, memoirs, or feminist non-fiction that I long to read. But last month when I lead a group of women who were reading and discussing Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In I made time to reread the book. There was no room for excuses. If I didn't reread the material, I couldn't be a good group leader. I took the task as seriously as I take my job as a teacher.

And so I realized what I need to do to read more -- I need to start a book club.

But I also need your help.

I'm trying to decide on a few things about this little book club of mine.

Should the book club be virtual, IRL, or both? I could post videos and discussion questions online or if most of the people who want to participate are in Birmingham we could actually meet at a local coffee shop once a month. Or I could always do some combination of both. What do you think?

Should I host the book club here, on the See Jane Write Birmingham blog or at SeeJaneWriteMagazine.com?  

What types of books should we read? I'd like this to be a feminist book club, but will we read books on writing, creative non-fiction, fiction, or a mixture of all these genres? I prefer non-fiction (it's the journalist in me) but I do like variety.

I'd really appreciate feedback and feel free to suggest specific books too.

Do you have a personal mission statement?

I do. I first drafted one about two years ago when I realized that having one would be the only thing that could help me learn to say "No." I was ridiculously overcommitted and realized that by stretching myself so thin I was living a life of mediocrity. I was good at a lot of things but great at nothing. With my personal mission statement in hand I cut out all commitments that didn't directly further that mission.

I recently revisited and revamped my statement in preparation for co-leading a workshop on the matter. Here's my current personal mission statement:

my personal mission statement, taped to my bedroom mirror

But this mission of mine still hasn't solved one problem: while this statement has helped me learn to say "No" to other people, it has not taught me how to say "No" to myself.

I have so many ideas, so many things I want to do and I'm trying to do them all at once. And that's not working. AT. ALL.

I want to take my teaching career to the next level.
I want to do more freelance writing and see my byline in all my favorite publications.
I want See Jane Write to offer more resources to its members and to the Birmingham community.
I want to host a See Jane Write conference.
I want to run a successful online magazine.
I want to be a blogging star.
I want to write a book.

I'm currently working on most of these in some capacity but not making much progress on any of them because I'm spreading myself too thin, just as I was when I was saying "Yes" to every single person who asked for my help or participation.

At the 2011 Skirt Creative Conference, which I had the privilege to attend, author Claire Cook told the ambitious ladies of letters in the audience that we can do it all, but not all at once.

It's time I took her words of wisdom to heart.

I'd like to accomplish all the goals listed above by age 40. That's seven years from now and I just so happen to have seven goals listed. So each year one goal will take priority over all others.

Now I'm going to go stare at the ceiling and try to figure out my focus for the next 12 months.

How did you learn to say "No" to yourself? 

I'm sorry to write about the Ban Bossy campaign two days in a row. But yesterday, after sharing my last post via social media I found myself essentially writing a second blog post in Facebook threads.  I figured I should get some of those pageviews and not give them all to Mark Zuckerberg.

Some people seem to have missed the point of the Ban Bossy campaign.

Firstly, #BanBossy, in my opinion, is not telling parents to stop correcting their daughters if they're being disrespectful or rude. 

Parents may look at this campaign and ask, "But what if my daughter is being bossy?" Then you need to do something about it. Nobody's saying let your kid be a jerk. 

Ironically, in her post The Problem with Banning Bossy, Ann Handley actually stated the point I'd like to make in support of #BanBossy: 

The campaign is really more about banning attitudes than banning the word, of course. In some people’s minds, “woman leader” (“strong woman”) often equals “bossy.” (Or worse.)

Exactly. 

Handley said she discussed this campaign with her daughter Caroline and her response (paraphrased by Handley) was:  “But bossy girls aren’t leaders.” 

And Caroline is right. 

Let's look at the definitions Handley lays out in her post: 

Bossy (adjective): Fond of giving people orders; domineering. Synonyms: domineering, pushy, overbearing, imperious, high-handed, authoritation, dictatorial, controlling 

Lead·er·ship (noun): The action of leading a group of people or an organization. Synonyms: guidance, direction, control, management, supervision, superintendence 

But here's the problem. No, leader doesn't equal bossy, but society didn't seem to get that memo, at least when it comes to women and girls. 

If a girl is being bossy, if she is being "domineering," "pushy," or "overbearing" you should absolutely call her out on it and that behavior is absolutely not the makings of a good leader. 

But oftentimes girls offering constructive "guidance" or "direction" are called bossy too. And when those girls become women they're called "bossy," "aggressive," "intimidating" or even "a bitch." 

Secondly, I don't think Facebook chief operating officer and Lean In author Sheryl Sandberg, Girl Scouts USA CEO Anna Maria Chávez, or any of the other women involved in this campaign are naive enough to think they will change the world simply by getting parents and teachers to stop calling girls bossy.

Ban bossy, but don't stop there. BanBossy.com offers a wealth of information on how to encourage leadership in girls and even tips for girls themselves. Speak up in class, challenge yourself, ask for help, and don't do everybody's work -- are just a few tips the site offers for girls, tips I could have certainly used when I was growing up. As an educator I especially appreciate the tips for teachers on cultivating gender equity in the classroom. 

BanBossy.com also gives information on great programs like Black Girls Code, which seeks to introduce girls in underrepresented communities to computer programming through workshops and after-school programs. The site also includes links to books and films with strong female characters. 

Lastly, I'm frustrated that we're wasting so much time arguing over semantics. You may be thinking, "I don't think 'bossy' is the word we should be focusing on." And you're right, but you're also missing the point. We shouldn't simply be focusing on "bossy" or any other single word. The goal of the #BanBossy campaign is not to simply ban a five letter word but to start a discussion about and spark action toward encouraging female leadership. Again, it's not about banning a word; it's about banning attitudes that discourage women and girls to speak their minds and strive for lofty goals.

#BanBossy is simply a clever way to get folks' attention about this important issue.  Does this mean #BanBossy is a marketing ploy? Of course, it's a marketing ploy! But, unfortunately, we live in a world where everything, even movements for social change, need a PR plan. I'm not happy about that, but it's the truth. And I'd rather get behind a marketing campaign with a greater cause, a cause that I essentially devote my life to, than a campaign for something ridiculous that I won't give a shit about in two months. 

So remember, you can ban bossy, but please don't stop there because that's not the point. Encourage the girls in your life to be good leaders, whether they're getting called bossy or not.