Check out my latest piece for B-Metro, "A Letter to My Single Self."

image via

Dear Edward,

You are my valentine, my funny valentine, my feminist valentine.

I don't know if you've ever called yourself a feminist, but we both know that you are.

You're a feminist because you believe in the radical notion that women are people. You're a feminist because you believe in me. You believe my goals are just as important as yours. You dare me to dream big and you support me in everything I do.

You're a feminist because you're man enough to do the laundry and you don't consider doing the dishes doing me a favor.

You're a feminist because you're a man of God who believes the Bible teaches that marriage should be about mutual submission.

When we married nearly eight years ago, the feminist in me struggled with the idea of changing my last name to yours. This time-honored tradition just didn't seem fair. And you agreed. And you reminded me that changing my name or not was my choice and my choice alone.

I chose to take your name just as my heart and my soul chose you.

And I choose you still -- today, tomorrow, always.

In honor of last night's 2014 Grammy Awards I thought I'd pretend to be a music blogger and write about some of the female musicians who rocked my world last year. 

First, however, I must digress for the dudes, because my favorite performances last night were all by men in music. Metallica's set made me miss the days when I (believe it or not) was really, really into rock. And didn't you just love the performance of the hit song "Get Lucky"by Daft Punk, Pharrell Williams, Niles Rodgers and Stevie Wonder? They hit the stage and suddenly the Grammys turned into a big party with all the audience members on their feet dancing and having a good time. With songs like "Get Lucky" and the Oscar-nominated "Happy," Pharrell is making music fun again. (And considering how many awards he won last night, it seems the Grammy folks agree with me.) 

But that Kendrick Lamar/Imagine Dragons collaboration was the best thing I've seen on television in a long time. That performance gave me chills and had my heart racing like I was running a half marathon. In fact, I felt like I could've run a half marathon in that moment.

 


Now back to the ladies. 

When last night's 2014 Grammy Awards opened with a performance by Beyonce and Jay-Z my hips and shoulders just started shaking and swaying on their own. That's what happens whenever I hear "Drunk In Love" or just about any other song from Bey's latest album, the album that I'm still listening to at least twice a week even though it was released a month and a half ago. 

Although Beyonce's performance was a bit lackluster compared to what we've come to expect from the Queen, I will continue to rock out to her unapologetically feminist album. (And no, I don't think Beyonce's sexually explicit songs or last night's sensual performance makes her less of a feminist. Women are sexual beings just as men are and, guess what, that's OK.) Also, I must admit that the way Mr. and Mrs. Carter were gushing over each other throughout last night's show had me gushing too. Remember, y'all, feminism is for lovers. 

Later in the night Sara Bareilles had the chance to perform her song "Brave" with her idol Carole King. Bareilles has been wowing me with her songwriting and her vocal prowess since her debut album Little Voice with ballads like "Gravity" and feminist tracks like "Fairytale."  

I've seen Bareilles perform live twice and she's one of those few artists who actually sound better sans studio help. I stood in line for hours before the show so I could be front and center for the performance and for hours after the show so I could get a snapshot with her. 

She signed my CD too. 

New and edgy pop singer Lorde took home the Grammys for best pop solo performance and song of the year. She also performed her hit song "Royals" which was my anthem this summer. You can find Lorde's debut release Pure Heroine in heavy rotation in my Mazda. This 17-year-old won me over with her interview last year with Rookie Mag when she stated: 

I’m speaking for a bunch of girls when I say that the idea that feminism is completely natural and shouldn’t even be something that people find mildly surprising, it’s just a part of being a girl in 2013. 

Yes. Feminism is natural. That's music to my ears.

At the launch party for my online magazine -- with my man by my side

"Can you be a feminist wife?"

Apparently this is a question some people were discussing one night last week on Twitter. I believe this conversation was taking place in the wee hours of the morning, but I'm a 30-something English teacher which means I am in the bed (not on Twitter) in the wee hours of the morning. But I awoke Wednesday to find that a male friend of mine (who knows I'm a feminist and a wife) had tweeted me about this topic, wanting me to comment.

My response was simple. It had to be. This is Twitter we're talking about. I simply replied: "Yes, you can be a feminist wife. Anyone who says you can't doesn't understand what feminism really is."

But here's what I would have said if I had had more than 140 characters with which to respond…

Yes, a woman can be a feminist and a wife and, quite frankly, husbands should want their wives to be feminists.

Just so we're all on the same page, feminism is not a movement about hating men, marriage, motherhood and makeup. Feminism is the belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. Period. Now, things get complicated when we start discussing how women (and men) go about living out feminism in their everyday lives. But if we always come back to that notion of equality, we feminists can always find common ground.

According to feminism a woman is equal to her husband. I realize some men may have a problem with this notion but, fortunately, I didn't marry a man with such issues. I married a man who doesn't want me to shrink myself down so he can puff himself up. We build up each other.

In my marriage, my husband and I are partners. We make decisions and plans together. We respect each others' gifts and goals.  We support one another always. And our marriage and our lives are better for it. I could not be the strong and supportive partner that my husband needs, wants, and deserves if I didn't view myself as his equal, if I didn't view myself as a full and complete person worthy of freedom of love.

As British suffragist and journalist Rebecca West famously said, "Feminism is the radical notion that women are people."

As a Christian, I know that the implication that we women are not, in fact, people -- the implication that the wife is somehow beneath the husband --  is loudest, unfortunately, in the church. Men and women alike love to trot out Bible verses about women being submissive to their husbands and the need for women to basically sit down and shut up. People who use (abuse?) these verses tend to ignore the cultural context of these verses and, in some cases, even ignore the other verses that follow.

Yes, Ephesians 5:22 says "wives submit to your husbands," but just a few lines down in verse 25 the Scripture reads, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." When you put these verses together they do not produce an image of a tyrannical husband lording over his weak doormat of a wife. These verses paint a beautiful picture of two people -- both created in the image of God -- living a life of love and mutual submission.

I put my husband's needs before my own. My husband puts my needs before his. And God is the spiritual head of our household. Our relationship isn't perfect. Sometimes we get selfish, mess up, and step on each other's toes. And then we forgive, forget, and keep dancing through life, hand in hand.

When reading Sarah Bessey's book Jesus Feminist I was brought to tears as she described her feelings for her husband because her words perfectly described my feelings for the magnificent man in my life:

I trust my husband completely -- with every bit of our life and with myself. My trust is not because I must, not because I believe God commands me to submit without question to his leadership because I am easily deceived or weak. I submit because I am walking in the Way of Jesus. As a man of God, [my husband] serves me, too. 

Men, don't you want your wives writing words of such beauty and grace about you? Or do you want your woman to simply shrug her shoulders and say, "Well, I just let the man be the man."

My hope is that one day conversations about feminism and marriage would not focus on who's in charge and instead shift to a discussion of how a husband and wife can uplift each other and use their talents and strengths for the benefit of their relationship, their family and the world around them.

Bessey, of course, explains this best when she writes:

If a woman is held back, minimized, pushed down, or downplayed, she is not walking in the fullness God intended for her as his image bearer… If we minimize our gifts, hush our voice, and stay small in a misguided attempt to fit a weak and culturally conditioned standard of femininity, we cannot give our brothers the partner they require in God's mission for the world. 

What are your thoughts on feminism and marriage? 

Hey! Guess what...

SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER!!!

This means it's time to set a few goals for the summer months. But first, let''s see how I did with my May Intentions.

Once again I failed to exercise daily, but I did exercise a lot. And I can't exactly say I remained completely calm during end-of-the-school-year chaos, but I didn't go completely crazy either. And hubs and I still need to get better about spending more quality time together.

I was successful with my goal of cleaning and reorganizing my apartment while my husband was out of town. When  he returned and saw all my hard work he said our bedroom and our home office were nearly "unrecognizable." Ha!

And I have made morning devotions a daily habit, so that's another accomplishment for the month of May.

My aspirations for summer are lofty ones, but I am confident I can accomplish them all.

1. Launch See Jane Write Magazine. My new online magazine is set to launch July 1, with a launch party scheduled for July 18. I'm still seeking sponsors for our debut issue and launch party, so be sure to contact me if you're interested.

2. Love God, love people. I plan to continue my daily morning devotions and I hope to have deeper worship experiences at church. Additionally, I really want to make time to serve other people and to show my family and friends how much they mean to me.

3. Be my husband's girlfriend. I've mentioned hubs and I need to spend more quality time together, but this summer I really want to take our relationship to a higher evel. I want him to fall in love with me all over again. I want us to be as giddy for each other as we were when we were dating. I want my husband to be my boyfriend.

4. Lose 20 pounds, maybe. I went to the doctor last week and nearly fainted when I saw the numbers staring back at me. But I'm actually not talking about my weight. The number that caused me heart palpitations was my body fat percentage. So this summer I'm going to change my diet and step up my workout plan in hopes of losing weight, but my true focus is reducing my body fat percentage. For the month of June I'll be doing Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred daily, spinning once or twice a week, and running three days a week.

And I leave you with this:

 

Yes, this man has helped make me the woman I am today. No, that doesn't make me any less of a feminist. 

In addition to the literature classes that I normally teach at a fine arts high school in Birmingham, next school year I am starting an elective called Women and the Media. Think journalism meets women’s studies. And last week a friend of mine sent me a link to a story that I immediately added to the syllabus. 

All Hail the Queen by Tamara Winfrey Harris is an article about pop icon Beyonce and explores why so many of my fellow feminists have qualms about welcoming Queen Bey into the fold. This is a discussion that’s been going on for years with some feminists claiming that Beyonce fails to truly empower women because they believe she relies too heavily on her sexuality for her success. But that’s a proverbial dead horse I don’t care to beat today. That’s not what this post is about.

The other thing that has had some feminists in an uproar was Beyonce’s decision to title her latest tour The Mrs. Carter Show, a nod to her husband Shawn Knowles-Carter (better known as hip hop mogul Jay-Z).

Harris quotes Jane Martinson of the Guardian who wrote in a February 2013 op-ed, “There is almost something subversive about waiting until the strongest moment of your career, which is where Beyoncé finds herself now, to do away with the infamous glossy mononym in favour of a second name your own husband doesn’t even use.”

Harris also points out that Beyonce, during an an interview with Oprah Winfrey before the premiere of  her Life Is But a Dream documentary, said this of Jaz-Z: “I would not be the woman I am if I did not go home to that man.” 

Dodai Stewart of Jezebel responded with this: “Wouldn’t you like to believe she’d be amazing whether or not she went home to a man? (She would be.) It’s a much better message when she talks about how powerful she is as a woman and what a woman can do—without mentioning Mr. Carter.”

But Harris, in her article, counters statements like these and writes, "Being a feminist in the public eye should not require remaining aloof about relationships, including those with men who have helped shape who you are."

I couldn't agree more. To me, feminism is for lovers. 

Personally, I find Beyonce's relationship with her husband quite empowering. First of all, it's obviously a marriage in which equality is important considering their decision to combine their names to create "Knowles-Carter." 

Secondly, being an ambitious, artistic woman and a devoted wife is hard work. The balancing act can sometimes be as tough as a tight rope walk. The more examples we have of women who can make their careers and their husbands a priority, the better.

A marriage is one of the most important and one of the most formative relationships a person can have. Why is it anti-feminist for a woman to say her husband has contributed to who she is as a person and as a professional? Like Bey and Jay, my husband and I have been together for 10 years (including the boyfriend years). That's nearly a third of my life. Of course, he's helped shape who I am! And I’m sure he’d say I’ve had an impact on who he is today too.

My husband makes me a better writer, a better teacher, and a better human being. Saying that doesn’t mean I suddenly don’t believe in the equality of the sexes, which is what feminism is truly about. In fact, our relationship is a great example of equality. We share household duties. We make important decisions together. And we fully support each other’s goals and respect each other's wishes. And having such a relationship makes our marriage stronger because we are true partners. What feminist wouldn't celebrate a marriage like that?

This post was also published on my new blog on The Southern Coterie, "the social network of the SOUTH." This online community is for Southerners and all those who love the South. 

I didn't own a cast iron skillet
until a friend bought me this one for my 32nd birthday.
Does this make me a poor excuse for a Southern woman?

"You are not a real Southern woman!" my mother-in-law said when she learned that I'm not a fan of collard greens. How could a girl born and raised in Alabama not like collard greens, she asked. 

Though my mother-in-law was joking, this wasn't the first time I was accused of not being a true Southern woman and it certainly was not the last. I'm a liberal feminist who doesn't want children and who hates to cook. By the stereotypical notion of what it means to be a Southern lady, the only thing Southern about me is my drawl. And some folks even claim not to notice that, which is crazy because I can add extra syllables to words with the best of them.

Though I did feel quite at home when I lived on the West Coast and in the Mid West, I am glad to be back in Alabama, back in the Deep South -- my true home. And I love being from the South. I am proud of my roots. I am proud to be a Southern woman, and, yes, I am a real Southern lady, at least by my own definition. 

I am the woman who understands the value of family, food, fashion, and faith. And this is what makes me a true Southern woman.

I may not want children, but I still value family. I believe in honoring my parents and my husband with all that I do. My brother is one of my very best friends. And, as I've mentioned before, I get really annoyed when people say to my husband and me, "Don't you two want to start a family?" We have traditions, great memories, and unconditional love for each other. We are a family.

And I keep my family fed, even though I don't like to cook. And if you come to my house, I'll feed you too because I believe in Southern hospitality. And I believe that people bond best over food, which is why if you want to hang out with me I'm going to always suggest we go out for brunch, lunch, dinner, or any other meal I can think of.

And when we do go out, my outfit will be cute. In the South dressing inappropriately for an occasion is considered just downright rude. Thus, down here fashion isn't about vanity, it's about good manners. So if you've invited me to an event in July, you better believe I've already started thinking about what I'm going to wear.

Though I am liberal on several social issues, I am a woman of faith. I'm a church-going gal and proud of it. My relationship with God directs my decisions and colors my worldview. Albert Einstein once said "There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle." I believe everything is a miracle and I believe that because of my faith in my God. 

And in case you're thinking I should have added football to my list, I have that covered too: Roll Tide!

Proud Southern Lady!

This post was also published on my new blog on The Southern Coterie, "the social network of the SOUTH." This online community is for Southerners and all those who love the South. 

Even my iMadeFace avatar is ready for summer break. Less than four weeks to go!

There's something about turning my calendar to a new month that reenergizes me. I know it's silly. Nothing has really changed in my life simply because it's now May, but I'm excited nonetheless.

I used to post my intentions for the month on this little blog of mine and I've decided to bring back that tradition today.

This month I intend to...

Exercise every day. I've been trying to do this every month this year and every month I fail. But you know what they say: if at first you don't succeed...

Anyone want to help me grade papers?

Keep calm during end-of-the-school-year chaos. Yesterday I nearly had a panic attack as I looked at the stack of papers I have to grade, especially when I considered that this pile didn't even include the 65 research papers I'll be lugging home Monday afternoon. My heart started to race and I found myself being short with my students. It was time to chill out.

And I plan to maintain peace by spending at least 15 minutes of quiet time with God first thing, each morning. Philippians 4 says if I pray, the peace of God will guard my heart and mind. So I'm going to sacrifice hitting the snooze button because I believe this is true.

Spend more quality time with my husband. People who know me well know that I am an extremely goal-oriented and ambitious woman and I'm fortunate enough to be married to a man who is just as driven as I am and who supports all my endeavors. But all these lofty aspirations mean hubs and I don't spend nearly as much time together as we should. Even when we attend local events together we're usually not side by side but can be seen working the room solo, busily networking like any good power couple should. But this power couple needs to power down a bit and spend time working on our most important enterprise -- our marriage.

Clean and organize every room of my apartment. People assume I'm a very neat and organized person because I generally appear put together, because I meticulously plan out my day with lists, and because I'm married to a neat freak. It's a façade. In reality I'm a complete slob. When my husband goes out of town I live like a frat boy with clothes strewn all over the living room and empty pizza boxes stacked on the kitchen counter. Of course, the place is spotless when he returns home. But when he goes out of town at the end of this month I'm going to spend the entire week he's gone cleaning and organizing. (But I'm still eating pizza for dinner.)

Cue Tony! Toni! Tone! It's our anniversary!




Today hubster and I have been married for seven years. We've been celebrating for the past few days trying to relive our first few dates. This has been hilarious because in our old age we're forgetting things  and can't quite get the details right. (Did we have burgers or hotdogs when we had our first indoor picnic?)

For about six of the seven years we've been married I've had people constantly asking me "When are you two going to start a family?"

This question drives me crazy, and not just because I don't want kids. This question bothers me because it implies that a married couple isn't truly a family until they have kids. And I have to disagree.

No, we don't have kids, but we are still a family. We have traditions, great memories, and unconditional love for each other -- and that's what family is all about. I honestly think that more marriages would last longer if couples would see each other as family the moment they say "I do."

I'm obviously no expert. Seven years feels like a lot to me but is nothing compared to the 31 years my parents have been husband and wife or the 67 years my husband's grandparents have married. But I think I'm on to something.

My pastor once shared a story about a couple he was counseling as they struggled to deal with the wife's infidelity. The wife was unfaithful only once, but the husband was ready to call it quits (and understandably so). He just couldn't bring himself to forgive her. Ironically, at the end of one of their sessions the husband asked my pastor for rehabilitation recommendations for his brother who was addicted to alcohol and drugs. This man's brother had messed up time and time again, and even stolen money from him. But he forgave his brother each and every time. Why? "Because he's my family," the man answered. "Well, isn't your wife your family too?" my pastor asked.

Many of us remain dedicated to our families no matter how much they screw up. We love them in spite of their mistakes and imperfections. How strong would our marriages be if we did the same for our spouses? Now don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating that you stay in an abusive relationship or turn a blind eye to self-destructive behavior. But a spouse is a family member you chose to have. Shouldn't they receive the same grace and mercy you extend to the family members you didn't get to choose?

So don't ask me when I'm starting a family. I already have.

And now a few family photos!

image via

When I came out as a feminist I felt I had an entire city celebrating with me. 

I use the phrase "came out" in an attempt to reflect the gravity of a Christian gal from Birmingham, Alabama identifying as a feminist. Many of the churches I've attended in the Deep South consider feminists to be women whose hobbies include witchcraft, killing babies, and emasculating men. Thus, calling myself a feminist is pretty big deal. 

I kind of cheated. I came out as a feminist in a column I wrote for a paper not in Birmingham, but in Louisville -- a Kentucky city that isn't quite sure if it's Midwestern or Southern. The paper was also mostly read by residents in their 20s and 30s. When the column was published my email inbox was flooded with messages from other women who shared my beliefs. The owner of a local boutique cut out the article, taped it to one of the walls of her store and wrote above it: "We love Javacia." 

The purpose of the article was not only to announce that I was a feminist, but also to dispel the myth that feminism is about emasculating men. But looking back, I wish I could change the headline. It read: "Excuse me, sir, but feminism has nothing to do with you."

And now I know that simply isn't true. 

I was young when I wrote that -- only 25 or 26 years old -- and I had only identified as feminist for a couple of years. So I hadn't read much contemporary feminist writing and thus I hadn't realized how much men are hurt by sexism too.

Gender stereotypes tell men they shouldn't show emotions. Gender stereotypes tell dads they're dumb and that if they decide to stay home with their children they aren't real men. 

And recently a man in Florida was told that he couldn't take his wife's last name, essentially, because men don't do that. 

According to a Reuters news report, Lazaro Sopena opted to change his name after his 2011 marriage to Hanh Dinh to help keep her family's name alive. He obtained a new passport and Social Security card and changed his bank account and credit cards before applying to update his drivers license. Following the same steps required of a woman who take her husband's last name, Dinh presented his marriage certificate to his local DMV and paid a small fee to get a new driver's license. 

But then a year later Dinh received a letter from Florida's DMV last December accusing him of "obtaining a driving license by fraud," and informing him that his license would be suspended at the end of the month. 

Dinh is fighting the DMV on the decision but was told that to change his name legally he has to go to court first and go through a process that takes several months and has a $400 filing fee. 

When he explained he was changing his name due to marriage, he was told "that only works for women." 

Only nine states enable a man to change his name upon marriage: California, New York, Hawaii, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Oregon, Iowa, Georgia and North Dakota.

Apparently, it's OK for women to change their names after marriage because they're considered an extension of their husbands. 

Right. 

And the fact that there may be men (and women) reading about this story and thinking that it's absurd for a man to take his wife's name is just more proof that the feminist movement is still needed for both women and men alike.   

Last week I mentioned I deleted my goals for 2013 so I could replace them with the things I believe God  wants me to accomplish.

Last week I also mentioned I hate Christmas.

Well, over the past two weeks I've felt urged by sermons and bible studies to do something about my disdain for the holiday season. And so the first goal that I'm adding to my 2013 list is this:

Learn to love Christmas. 



Since I'm sure learning to love Christmas will prove to be a difficult task for me, I'm going to start working on this goal now.

One of my common quips to defend my bah humbug ways is that Jesus wasn't actually born on Dec. 25. And even if he was why do we give other people gifts on Jesus' birthday?

My pastor once said that during the Christmas season we should focus on giving Jesus the gift he wants most -- us. So during Advent I'm going to spend more time in prayer and bible study in an effort to truly commit every area of my life to God.

Still, I'm not sure that's going to keep Christmas music from making my stomach turn.

So I'm also trying to change my Grinch-like ways for the sake of another man in my life -- the hubster.

My husband loves Christmas. He loves filling our apartment with gaudy garland and the like and believes that when it comes to holiday decorations the tackier the better. He even uses words like "magical" when talking about Christmas. (Shudder.)

But since he is my beau for life, what's important to him should be important to me.

I have this dream of one day being this woman who bakes Christmas cookies while humming carols, who gets really excited about decorating the tree and who can't wait to sign and address Christmas cards. I know these all sound like normal things to the Christmas-loving kind, but for me, these activities take a Herculean effort. I'd rather run 13.1 miles in below freezing temperatures.  Seriously.

But the message from God that's been clearest lately is "Javacia, it's not about you."

So here goes nothing...

Last night I almost had a heated debate with my younger brother over the issue of women who don't take their husbands last names. He said that if his girlfriend didn't take his last name after marriage it would be no point in getting married in the first place. 

I had to interject. I asked him if he'd be willing to take her last name. Of course, my brother said "no" and looked at me as if I were insane, as many men would. I went on to say that it's unfair for him to ask his girlfriend to do something that he wouldn't be willing to do and that not having his name wouldn't make her any less of his wife. My brother wasn't hearing any of this and I knew it. So I quickly ended the conversation because I didn't want it to turn into an argument. But I wish I'd kept the talk going so that we could have understood where each other were coming from. 

I took my husband's last name but it's a decision I often regret. Please don't think that statement is a reflection of my feelings for my husband. He is the love of my life and an amazing man. He's an amazing man who says things like "I would be honored if you took my last name, but I completely understand if you decide not to." That statement was one of the reasons I did decide, after nearly a year of marriage, to change my last name.

But I also decided to take his name because having different last names was such a hassle. Things like banking and signing leases were difficult and I grew tired of all the questions and rude remarks from others that I endured during the several months before I did change my name. 

I've always been disappointed in myself for caving under the pressure to conform. 

I completely understand why the notion of women keeping their maiden names seems so strange and perhaps even wrong to my brother. Here in the South it’s not as common. Nor do you see couples adopting a completely new name or both partners hyphenating their last names – which are practices I observed when living on the West Coast.

My brother expects his wife to take his name – "to represent him" as he said during our talk – because that’s the way things have always been done. It’s tradition. Furthermore, many men – my husband included – even see it as a way for a woman to give honor to her man.

But doing things primarily for the sake of tradition can be dangerous. The people who didn’t want women to vote were trying to maintain the status quo. People who didn’t want children of different races to be educated in the same classroom were trying to uphold tradition.

Now I’m in no way saying this name issue is as serious as women’s suffrage or racial segregation. The act of keeping one’s maiden name is mostly a statement, but an important one; it is a statement against the sexism that is still alive and well in our country.

Some people say it’s silly for a woman to try to fight patriarchy by keeping her maiden name because most likely her last name is from her father. Those people are missing the point. Regardless of the origin of your name it’s still your name! It’s the name you’ve been called all your life. It’s the name printed on symbols of accomplishment such as your high school diploma and your college degrees. And for me it was also the byline on a decade’s worth of newspaper and magazine articles I had written.

After being married for nearly 7 years I have adjusted to my new name. As a freelance journalist I’m building a body of work under the name Javacia Harris Bowser. And since I teach high school full time and thus hear “Ms. Bowser! Ms. Bowser!” about 100 times a day, my husband’s last name finally feels like my own.

The writer/English teacher in me has also decided to attach symbolism to this new name of mind. I see it as the mark of a new era of my life, just as characters in the Bible often had their names changed after a spiritual transformation.

Still, if I could do it all over again I probably would not change my name. But this would not make me any less committed to or respectful of my husband.

I recognize that some men feel emasculated when their wives don’t take their name. And some men may think it makes them appear weak. This is, to me, another example of how sexism hurts men too. A man’s worth should not be measured by how much power he can wield over his wife; it should be about how much he loves her.

Understand that this is not a call for all women to stop taking their husbands’ last names. My point is that it should always be a woman’s choice. She shouldn’t feel pressured by her new husband, her in-laws or anyone else. Some women love the notion of taking their husband’s name and see it as a sacred, symbolic gesture. And that’s great. But some women feel as if they’re losing their identity by changing their names and the wishes of those women should not be attacked or pushed aside simply for the sake of tradition. 

Happy Turkey Day!

I figured since today is Thanksgiving it made sense to, well, give thanks. Sure, it's not very original to post a gratitude list on Thanksgiving, but being grateful is never cliche.

Today I am thankful for...

my fun and loving parents
my daddy's good cooking
the fact that my dad doesn't think that cooking is "a woman's job"
my talented, hilarious, and loving little brother (I say "little brother" but he's 24 years old)
my wonderful husband who has the patience of Job (because you have to in order to be married to me)
my cousin Tasha, a.k.a. my person
the women of See Jane Write
the amazing women I've met through Church of the Highlands
the She Reads Truth blog which has me excited about morning devotions again
the blog The Very Worst Missionary which reminds me being a Christian doesn't mean I can't be myself
the fact that the Iron Bowl is only two days away (Roll Tide!)

What are you thankful for today? 

From ICanHasCheezburger.com

It's Thanksgiving eve which means pretty soon the Christmas season will be officially here. Actually, I feel like it already is. Some of my neighbors already have lights strewn about their patios and obnoxious holiday songs are already being played over loud speakers at the supermarket. 

If you know me well you know I hate Christmas. My head is pounding and my stomach is in knots for much of the month of December. During the holiday season I am completely stressed out and it's usually over money.

Every year I threaten to "boycott Christmas." Don't get me wrong, I enjoy buying gifts for my family and friends. I love the smiles the presents bring to their faces. I especially enjoy giving gifts to my sweet husband. But to be honest we get carried away. You see since we don't have kids he showers me with gifts at Christmastime. I'm spoiled rotten by him. And I feel he deserves to be spoiled too. The result: we way too much money on each other every winter. My credit debt balloons as does my number of migraines and stomach aches. 

I also spend too much money on myself, something I just recently realized. I am in no way a shopaholic, in fact, I rather abhor the mall. But something comes over me on Black Friday and I become one of those desperate people standing in a long line in the rain outside of Target, one of those crazy chicks peering through the doors of Victoria's Secret before the store opens trying to get a glimpse of this year's free tote bag given to customers who spend at least $65. I shop and shop because I feel like it's just plain silly to miss out on these great deals when I call myself a frugal fashionista. 

Then I'm sick with shopper's remorse and just general disgust at myself for the next month.

I also have trouble receiving gifts. If you give me three presents and I only have one to offer you I will go to the bathroom and cry. (Yes, I know I probably need therapy for that.) And after I've dried my eyes I will resolve that next year I will have FOUR gifts for you! And inevitably this will only increase my credit card debt and my need for medication. 

 

This year as I've been reflecting on the many reasons to loathe this season, I've also been reflecting on, well, stuff. For years I've been letting stuff ruin the holidays and even my self-esteem. I've yearned for a nicer car, a bigger TV, and a fancier apartment not because I truly wanted those things but because I thought others judged me because I didn't have them. And most likely they didn't even notice or care or if they were judging me then they shouldn't be in my car or my home in the first place because they're a jerk face. 

I believe God has me doing all this soul searching about stuff for a reason and I don't think it's because the Creator is worried about me having happy holidays. (Let's remember that Jesus didn't even ask us to celebrate his birthday.) I believe God wants me to learn to be a good steward with my money so I will have more freedom. Think about how so many of us are weighed down by our stuff. And I think God wants me to use my resources on things that really matter.

Furthermore, I believe God wants me to learn to measure my worth by who I am in Him, not by what I have in my bank account.

It’s time to make some changes. I have no idea what those changes should be. I’m married so I can’t just sell everything I own and start from scratch. I don’t think hubster would be too happy about that. But something must be done.

In the meantime, remember not to buy me any gifts unless we’ve decided on a price cap or I'll be having a nervous breakdown in your bathroom.

She's my person.

People often say that friends are family we choose. 

What's behind that statement is the truth that family members are "friends" you're stuck with -- forever! 

I've been thinking a lot about family today and not simply because I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. Last night I attended the latest Arc Light Stories event, which features unscripted storytelling before a live audience. Saturday night's stories were all about family and aptly dubbed "Thicker Than Water."  (Check out hubster's article on last night's event.)

Last night I was thinking about that idea of friends being family you choose and realized how blessed I am to have (some) family members that I'd spend time with even if biology and tradition didn't dictate that I do so. A perfect example is my cousin Tasha. She is one of the funniest, smartest, and nicest people I know. She's beautiful and creative and a woman of strong faith. 

Tasha recently had a birthday and in a sappy Facebook post I told her that the title "cousin" just doesn't quite seem sufficient. Even cute phrases like "my sister from another mister" don't cut it. 

I need a phrase that expresses that she's family I would choose. If I got a do-over and had the chance to hand pick all my relatives she'd still be on my family tree because she's not just my cousin but my best friend. 

I think the writers of Grey's Anatomy gave me the phrase I was looking for. As Cristina Yang and Meredith Grey say about each other, "She's my person." 

She's my person because we understand and appreciate each other's quirks. Our lists of things we love and things we loathe are nearly identical. And since we our college days she's always been my biggest cheerleader. I could call this girl right now and say I've decided I want to be an astronaut and she wouldn't discourage me or call me crazy. She'd just say, "OK, let's figure out how we're going to do this." 

I hope she knows I'd travel to the moon for her too. 

 

Image by Rosmary via Flickr/Creative Commons

 The cool crisp air greeting me in the mornings and the bright red leaves on the trees outside my patio window signal that fall is here and 2012 is coming to end. For me this is a cue to start jotting down goals for 2013. But thanks to Katie at A Place to Dwell, I've decided to put my planning process for 2013 on hold for a bit and do something new -- 4 Simple Goals. This project is the brainchild of Elsie at A Beautiful Mess and you can find the rules in detail here. Essentially, you pick simple, activity-oriented goals that will make your life richer, happier, and healthier. Elsie also recommends that you reward yourself for sticking to your plans and that you blog about your progress. Here are my 4 Simple Goals Before 2013:

1. Start exercising 6 days a week. Supposedly we humans develop habits after doing something for 21 days, so once I've exercised 6 days a week for three weeks I'll consider this goal accomplished. 

2. Read and meditate on Scripture daily. Again, I will consider this goal accomplished after sticking with it for for 21 days. Since I'm so into blogging and building community between women, I think one thing that can help me with this goal is the blog SheReadsTruth.com. So I plan to follow the Bible reading plans offered there and chat with other women involved in this online community. 

3. Finish reading How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran. 

4. Spend more quality time with my husband. We've both been so busy lately we barely see each other. Before this year is over I'd like us to sit down and discuss how we can be more intentional about prioritizing our relationship. 

OK, it's your turn. What are your 4 Simple Goals (Before 2013)?

You've seen it before: commercials for things like diapers and detergent that not only suggest that women are the sole caregivers in a family, but also imply that when dads are in charge we're in for trouble. For example, Kimberly Clark's HUGGIES has a new campaign promoting its diapers and wipes trumpeting "Dad" as "The Ultimate Test" for their products. 

In one commercial, for example, the voiceover says: “To prove Huggies diapers and wipes can handle anything, we put them to the toughest test imaginable: dads, alone with their babies, in one house, for five days, while we gave moms some well deserved time off. How did Huggies products hold up to daddyhood?"
Some of the promotional materials even implied that dads would neglect changing a soiled diaper to finish watching the game. 

After reading something like this on a feminist blog you may think "How sexist?" but when watching the commercial at home you probably didn't give it a second thought because ads like these are all too common. 

But one man did notice, and he decided to do something about it. 

Fed up, illustrator and blogger Chris Routly, who is a a stay-at-home dad, decided to speak out and started a petition calling for an end to "Ultimate Test: Dad" element of the company's advertising. And it worked. 

After getting media attention and collecting over 1,000 signatures, Routly announced Friday on his blog, The Daddy Doctrine, that Huggies/Kimberly Clark reached out to him and outlined a list of changes the company plans to make to its campaign including airing a new TV spot featuring real dads out and about with their babies to test the diaper. 

Even though I'm not a parent, Routly's story really struck me because I believes it teaches us three valuable lessons:

1. Dads aren't dumb. And dads are caregivers too. In fact, as Routly mentions in his petition, even though full-time at-home dads are still statistically few in number, according to the 2010 U.S. Census, approximately one in three dads regularly acts as their child's primary caregiver, while their spouse works, in a two-parent household. 

2. Sexism hurts men too. So often when I have a conversation with someone about feminism I get questions like "Well, women have rights now. What's the point?" or "Isn't feminism unfair to men?" But gender stereotypes are alive and well and women aren't the only ones affected by them. When we say that caring for the home and for children is woman's work, we're not only implying that women who work outside the home are sub-par parents, but we're also suggesting that stay-at-home dads are somehow not real men. Or we make assumptions that men simply can't be good caregivers, period. That's not OK and these are exactly the kinds of  things feminism exists to challenge. 

3. You can make a difference. Chris Routly could have just sat home and complained about these commercials to his family and friends. But he did more. He wrote about it on his blog and filed a petition through Change.org. And his efforts paid off, showing we don't have to be politicians or policy makers to effect social change.